Pickles
by PlushChrome
Summary: As far as the A-Team knew, Murdock's craziness was just an act. Then something like this would happen, and they would ask the age-old question: Was Murdock faking it, or was he genuinely insane? Random plot bunnie inspired by... well, Spongebob. Please read anyway, I assure you, you'll find it most amusing.
1. Prologue

As strange as this sounds, I got this idea watching Spongebob Squarepants on TV, from the episode: Pickles. Set a few years before the show begins, I'm thinking... 1978? Yeah, that sounds about right.

A humor fic, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this yet, and I'm backlogged on other stories as it is, so don't expect me to update very often. Of course, I still might surprise you with some pretty fast updates. My muse works in very interesting ways. At any rate, enjoy!

* * *

_**Epilogue:**_

As far as the A-Team knew, Murdock's craziness was just an act. It hadn't always been, they remembered the days during the war, when his mind had first snapped, but it had been six years now. After awhile, he had begun acting the part. As long as he was in the VA hospital, he was safe from Lynch, who would still visit from time to time just to be sure he was still crazy.

But then something like this would happen, and they would ask the age-old question: Was Murdock faking it, or was he genuinely insane?  
It started when Face picked him up from the VA for the mission, something about an extortion racket down in Michigan. Hannibal hadn't been specific on the details. But, Face had the plane all ready to go, and he was here to pick up the pilot.

The first sign that anything was wrong was that the nurse didn't seem at all surprised that Dr. Franz Dubois (Face, of course, deciding to try his hand at French) required Murdock accompany him to another hospital for evaluation and advanced treatment.

"That's a relief, Doctor," She said. "With this new development, we're out of our league! Dr. Richter was going to try and work with him about it, but he got called away on urgent business, and Murdock won't listen to anyone else!"

Keeping his curiosity well masked, Face just nodded, smiling. "Yes, well, that's why I'm here, mademoiselle," he said, making his accent just distinct enough to give the impression that he'd been raised in France, but had lived in the states for quite some time. "Now, if this Murdock fellow is in his room...?" He let the question trail off and he smiled expectantly at the nurse.

She caught on. "Oh, yes, right this way," she said. She led him to Murdock's room (as if he didn't already know where it was. These nurses were so gullible) and opened the door.

"Mr. Murdock," she said cautiously. "Dr. Dubois is here, he's going to take you to another hospital, where they'll be able to help you. You be nice to him, alright?"

Face smiled down at Murdock, who was sitting on the back of a chair. No really, the chair was knocked on it's side and he was sitting on the back, using the seat of the chair like a backrest.

Looking up at Face, Murdock smiled. "Expecting no me wanna Facey you man here!"

Face blinked, but fortunately had the presence of mind to smile and nod for the nurse's benefit.

"Merci beaucoup," he said, turning to smile at her. "I'll take it from here."

The nurse smiled nervously and left, shutting the door behind her.

"Alright, Murdock," Face said. "Get your stuff, we've got a mission- Murdock, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

Murdock promptly looked up at the ceiling. "Right looks me to left and backwards," he said. "Don't up seem I think to moments up and left 'till words crashing mixed."

Face's smile faltered for a moment. "Murdock, are you quite alright?" He asked, walking over to the coat rack in the corner and getting Murdock's hat and bomber jacket. Handing them to the pilot, he watched in concern as Murdock failed to get his arm in the sleeve and promptly dropped the hat to struggle with the jacket.

"Fine me no Face worried," Murdock said, frowning at the uncooperative jacket and trying once again to get his arm in the right place. "Mind on the couch and tires to shining. Notice be with angry frown he'll mudsucker me to careful... Stopping and under help can't figure myself how out and over."

Face groaned. Reaching over to help Murdock with his jacket, he sighed again when Murdock put the wrong arm in, causing the jacket to come on backwards. "BA's not gonna like this..." He said absently.

BA already hated flying, and he certainly wasn't a fan of Murdock's antics. This was going to be one memorable mission.


	2. Chapter 1: Trickreich und Falsche Papier

The ride from the VA hospital was fairly uneventful, although still a bit worrying. Starting when Murdock sat in the passenger seat and promptly got tangled up in the seat belt.

Face didn't notice until he sat down in the driver's seat, then looked over at the pilot and sighed. "Need a little help there, Murdock?" He asked.

"Rather opinion to regular stores go and restock," Murdock said. He pulled on the belt a few more times and then gave up with a sigh. "Football and nevermore the defense. Justice the below and fast isn't, on the level for caution tape."

"If you say so," Face nodded his agreement to whatever that had meant and started the car.

Murdock was fairly quiet during the drive, but every once in awhile, he would say something strange, and Face would reply with safe general answers that didn't really mean anything.

The rendezvous point was an old warehouse with a garage door on the side. When they got there, Face was about to ask Murdock to get out and open the door so he could drive in, but after he opened his mouth, he thought better of it.

"Wait here," he said instead. Murdock nodded, and with a smile, Face stepped out of the car and walked over to open the garage door.

"It's me," he called into the warehouse as light flooded into it from the outside. He wanted to be sure to announce himself, just in case Hannibal was expecting less-than-pleasant company.

"Face, you're just in time," Hannibal called from inside. "We're about to go over the plan."

"That's gonna have to wait for a minute, Hannibal," Face said, his trademark smile never leaving his face. "I have to get the car inside, and then you're not gonna_ believe_ what Murdock has to say."

Turning, he walked quickly back to the car and jumped inside. Murdock looked at him quizzically, and Face gave out a nervous chuckle as he drove in.

Hannibal and BA were standing with a man Face could only assume was their client, and they were all looking at him curiously.

Face put the car in park and he and Murdock stepped out. "BA, get the door," Hannibal said. BA walked over to the garage door and pulled the chain until the door slid shut.

"Well?" Hannibal asked, looking from Face to Murdock.

Face smiled. "You're gonna love this," he promised. "Murdock, wanna tell Hannibal what happened to your words?"

Murdock took a deep breath. "Three to one needed and split the difference," he began. "Head to sawdust auch wörter helfen garten nicht kann ich selbst."

Face turned around and looked at Murdock in surprise. "Ah," he said. "Uh, I guess he's not just mixing up his words. Was that... German?"

Hannibal nodded, and BA glared.

"I don't get it," the sergeant declared. "What he sayin'? It don't make no sense!"

"What's wrong with him?" The client also asked, looking at Murdock warily.

Murdock took the opportunity to smile and bare his teeth at the client, opening his eyes wide and grinning maniacally as he straightened up to his full height. "Ich schlange nein blut... gewöhnlich!" He declared ominously.

"Don't mind him," Face reassured with another nervous smile as the client took a step back. "He's just a little confused at the moment, that's all."

"Confused?" BA objected. "Crazy fool always been confused. Now he's just talkin' jibberish, and I won't stand for it!"

"Come on, BA, it's really quite harmless," Hannibal said solemnly before turning to Murdock. "You can still understand us, right, Captain?"

Murdock shook his head. "Posilutely," he said.

Hannibal smiled. "Good," he said.

BA shook his head. "No," he said. "It's not good. It's bad! You don't even know if he meant yes or no!"

Hannibal turned to Murdock with a dramatic sigh. "Captain," he said. "Did you mean yes or no?"

"Insistently," Murdock affirmed. "Vielleicht until nase in spotted!"

"There you have it," Hannibal said with a shrug, turning back to BA.

"Hannibal," BA argued. "His coat's on backwards. His shoes on the wrong feet. He ain't even speakin' English. I ain't getting on no plane with that crazy fool. Michigan or no Michigan. We drivin'."

"Now, who said anything about a plane?" Hannibal said in mock defense. "Did you, Face?"

"No, I, uh, don't recall mentioning any plane," Face said innocently. "You, Murdock?"

"Wünschen hear but never, I nein sprechen plane!?" Murdock said indignantly. "Verletzen I, deep and trickreich to sorry you be!"

"Alright, I'm sorry," BA said, looking at the three of them. "All I know is I keep fallin' asleep for no reason, and then wakin' up on some plane. And I startin' to get suspicious about it!"

Hannibal sighed. "I'm sorry you feel that way, BA," he said. "It... pains me that after all this time, after everything we've been through together, that you don't trust us after all."

"Aw, Hannibal," BA said. "It aint like that. I trust you."

Hannibal smiled. "Good," he said, walking over to BA and patting him on the back. "I'm glad to hear it."

BA smiled at Hannibal before slumping forward to the ground. Hannibal caught him and struggled under the dead weight for a moment before Face went over to help him.

"What'd you do?" The client asked, staring at the unconscious BA.

"Uh, well, you see, we had to drug him," Hannibal explained as he and Face carried him to the car.

"But I thought you said we weren't going on a plane," the client said in confusion.

"You think we're gonna _drive_ all the way to Michigan!?" Hannibal asked incredulously, raising his eyebrows in surprise. "Haha. Hahaha. Y'hear that, Face? Donny thinks we're gonna drive all the way to Michigan!"

Face held up a hand to placate Hannibal, then he tried to get BA to sit up in the middle of the backseat.

"You mean you're going to let this guy fly!?" Donny said as Murdock began knotting up his shoelaces in an attempt to tie them. "He's crazy, he can't even talk straight!"

"Of course we wouldn't let him fly in this condition," Hannibal said. "Obviously, he needs to work through some things right now. We did get him from the psych ward at a VA hospital, you know."

Donny froze. "...You mean, he's actually... insane? And you still pull him out for missions?"

"Yeah, you got a problem with that?" Face asked. "Because we still haven't started this trip yet, you can take your money back and find some other group of guys to help you."

"No, I didn't mean that," Donny said. "I'm fine with him, it's alright. I need you guys's help."

"There now, that's more like it," Hannibal said with a smile. "I'll drive. Murdock, you and Donny sit in the back with BA. Face, you're up front with me."

"Robert," Murdock said. "Jumping right company through keeping and along BA."

Hannibal exchanged a glance with Face before they all climbed into the car.

Hannibal started the car and as they pulled out of the warehouse, he turned to Face.

"I hope scamming the jet didn't set you too far back," he said. "Because we're just gonna have to leave it."

"Oh, Hannibal..." Face said with a small groan. "Do you know how much work I put into that jet? Not to mention the cost of fuel, and the amount of time it would take for us to fly all the way to Michigan? And now we're just gonna have to pay for airline tickets... And I'll have to figure out how to sneak an unconscious BA on the plane, too... The security there is gonna have a field day!"

"I don't care how you do it, as long as it gets done," Hannibal said. "Start thinking now, Lieutenant. We'll reach the airport in about fifteen minutes."

"Right..." Face said with a grimace. He had to start thinking.

* * *

"Special Agent Jude Fernandez," Face said, holding up a police badge to the security officer. "This is Agent Thomas Green," he said, indicating Hannibal before pointing his thumb at Donny. "And Agent Riley Killigan. We're escorting these two witnesses here to court in Michigan state, we're on flight 287."

"Can I see your paperwork?" The security officer said.

"Of course, of course," Face said irritably. "Just a second, let me get it all out."

As he began shuffling through the papers in his case, the officer looked over at BA, who was in a wheelchair, still unconscious. "What's with him?" He asked.

"He's traumatized," Hannibal said solemnly. "Witnessed a murder. Parade accident, that was no accident. A balloon got free and knocked the victim off the building. The good Mr. Sam Banks here happened to be right in front of him when he landed."

The security officer looked a little green as he glanced at the papers Face produced. "That's... pretty gruesome," he said.

"It for mine aussagen about," Murdock said. "Better until eher and flowers."

The security officer blinked. "And him?" he asked, handing the papers back to Face, who accepted them warily.

Hannibal looked at Murdock. "Him?" He said. "He's the guy who fell."

"Ah," The security officer said as they all moved past. "...Huh?"

* * *

"Thanks for distracting that officer for me, Hannibal," Face said as they all settled into the plane. "I don't know if we'd have made it past him if he'd really looked at those papers."

"You mean they weren't perfect?" Hannibal said with a frown. "Face, you're supposed to be the con artist around here, how could you have less than perfect papers?"

"Well, I didn't foresee having to use my 'Secret agent escorting two traumatized murder witnesses to Michigan' scam this morning," Face said sarcastically. "I think I did rather well, considering."

Hannibal looked out the window as the plane began its taxi. "Yeah," he said with a smile. "You did do alright. But you get those papers in order as soon as we get back."

"Yes, Colonel," Face said with a sigh.

Hannibal turned to where BA was asleep in his seat, Murdock talking nonsense to him as if BA could hear him, and Donny watching them both warily.

Grinning, Hannibal turned back around. "I love it when a plan comes together," he said.


End file.
